ON THE LONDON UNDERGROUND:
The following announcements were all heard and reported by visitors to the "Going Underground" website.
"The train at platform three is not going to Parsons Green but to Richmond. The train approaching platform two is also not going to Parsons Green but to Ealing Broadway. These trains are not going to Parsons Green despite what the signalmen think.
"Beggars are operating on this train; please do NOT encourage these professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."
"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage, what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"
At Leyton station (where a train was stationary despite a green light): "Sorry for the delay ladies and gentlemen but there is a queue of trains ahead of us so I have decided to wait here, because I'm sure you don't want to sit in a tunnel getting hot and sweaty"
"Next time, Sir, you might find it easier to wait until the doors are open before trying to get on the train"
At Camden Town Station (on a crowded Saturday afternoon): 'Please let the passengers off the train first.... Please let the passengers off the train first.... Please let the passengers off the train first.... Let the passengers off the train FIRST! Oh go on then - stuff yourselves in like sardines; see if I care - I'm going home.'
"Hello this is (xxx) speaking. I am the captain of your train, and we will be departing shortly. We will be cruising at an altitude of approximately zero feet, and our scheduled arrival time in Morden is 3:15pm local time. The temperature in Morden is approximately 15 degrees Celsius, and Morden is in the same time zone as Mill Hill East, so there's no need to adjust your watches."
During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right dis way for de sauna, ladies an gennelmun.... Unfortunately, towels are not provided."
"Ladies and Gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria Station, and we are stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let`s take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... `Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....`"
"Ladies & Gentleman, upon departing the train may I remind you to take your rubbish with you. Despite the fact that you are in something that is metal, fairly round, filthy and smells, this is a tube train for public transport and not a wheelie bin."
"Ladies and Gentlemen do you want the good news first or the bad news?"
"The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. I felt sadly let down by the fact that none of you sent me a card! I drive you to work and home each day and not even a card."
"The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means that we probably won't reach our destination for a good ninety minutes yet. We may have to stop and return. I won't reverse back up the line - simply get out, walk up the platform and go back to where we started. In the meantime if you get bored you can simply talk to the man in front or beside you or opposite you. Let me start you off: "Hi, my name's Gary how do you do?""
"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from elbow and backside syndrome, not knowing one from the other. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any".
"Please mind the closing doors..."
[The doors close... The doors open].
"Passengers are reminded that the big red slidey things on the side of the train are called the doors. Let's try it again, shall we? Please stand clear of the doors."
[The doors close...]
"I am sorry about the delay, apparently some nutter has just wandered into the tunnel at Euston. We don't know when we'll be moving again, but these people tend to come out pretty quickly... usually in bits."
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you`re all dying to get home unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you`ll want to cross over to the westbound platform and go in the opposite direction. Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with `Please hold the doors open.` The two are distinct and separate instructions."
"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."
"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it is only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."
"Apparently this train is no longer terminating at Barking, but is in fact terminating here. I`m sorry about this, but I too was under the impression that this train was going to Barking, but `they` have other ideas. I mean, why tell me? I`m merely the driver...."
"We are now travelling through Baker Street: As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me so I could tell you earlier but no, they don`t think about things like that."