Here is a list of 'non-child centred' comments for school reports.

(Tongue in cheek, honest! )

...attendance is poor can you make sure it stays that way?
...this pupil is producing his best work...alas.
...serving donuts on another planet.
...renewable energy source for hot air balloons.
...sloppy as a soup sandwich.
...watches "Beavis and Butthead" to learn vocabulary.
...slow as molasses in January.
...a natural talent for finding subliminal messages in ice cubes.
...always in the right place, but at the wrong time.
...in his optimum environment, he'd be locked in a life and death struggle with mushrooms.
...always loses battles of wits because he's unarmed.
...it's hard to believe he beat 100,000 other sperm.
...swimming in the shallow end of the gene pool.
...calling him a pea brain would be an undeserved compliment.
...needs another brain to make half-wit.
...so dumb, his dog teaches him tricks.
...needs both hands to wipe his behind.
...can't count his balls and get the same answer twice.
...couldn't count to 21 if he were barefoot and without pants.
...cranio-rectally inverted.
...still traumatized from the forest fire in "Bambi".
...diarrhea of the mouth; constipation of the ideas.
...enough sawdust between the ears to bed an elephant.
...goalie for the dart team.
...God might still use her for miracle practice.
...teflon brain--nothing sticks.
...has the mental agility of a soap dish.
...needs his sleeves lengthened by a couple of feet so they can be tied in the back.
...has the personality of a snail on Valium.
...he's so dense, light bends around him.
...lives in the same world, but a different universe.
...her ears serve the same function as holes in a dribble glass.
...not done evolving yet.
...her head needs a periodic whack on the side.
...knitting with only one needle.
...not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree.
...knows his sports, but his understanding is limited to violence.
...mouth is in gear, brain is in neutral.
...not the same since they took him off his medication.
...her mental function can be graphed with a single dot.
...one live brain cell away from being a talking monkey.
...puts a finger in his ear so the draft through his head isn't annoying.
...only one oar in the water.
...her mind would be unstable even mounted on a tripod.
...if God tried to help him, we'd have an eight day week.
...on permanent leave of absence from his senses.
...plenty of salt in the shaker, but no holes in the cap.
...if he donated his brain to science it'd set civilization back 50 years.
...parked his head and forgot where he left it.
...uses his head to keep the rain out of his neck.
...pedaling real fast, but not getting anywhere.
...his mind is on vacation but his mouth is working overtime.
...if he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
...hypnotized as a child and couldn't be woken.
...ought to have a warning label on his forehead.
...her sewing machine's been out of thread for some time now.
...racing fifty yards with a pregnant woman, he'd come in third.
...immune from any serious head injury.
...her ski lift doesn't go to the top of the hill.
...ready to join the Anti-Mensa Society.
...receiver is off the hook.
...understands English as well as any parrot.

Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together...
A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus...
A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on...
A prime candidate for natural deselection...
Bright as Alaska in December...
One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests...
Donated his brain to science before he was done using it...
Fell out of the family tree...
Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming...
Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it...
If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate...
If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change...
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean...
One neuron short of a synapse...
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled...
Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes...
Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead...

 

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