A Call for More Scientific Truth in Product Warning  Labels

As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend towards legislation that requires the prominent placing of warnings on products that present hazards to the general public. Yet we must also offer the cautionary thought that such warnings, however well- intentioned, merely scratch the surface of what is really necessary in this important area. This is especially true in light of the findings of 20th century physics.

We are therefore proposing that, as responsible scientists, we join together in an intensive push for new laws that will mandate the conspicuous placement of suitably informative warnings on the packaging of every product offered for sale in the United States of America. Our suggested list of warnings appears below.

     WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.
     WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the
          Universe, Including the Products of Other  Manufacturers, with a Force
          Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to
          the Distance Between Them.
     CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85
         Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of  Weight.
     HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically
         Charged Particles Moving at Velocities  in Excess of Five Hundred Million
         Miles Per Hour.
     CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," It Is Impossible
         for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This
         Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving.
     ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a
         Process Know as "Tunnelling," This Product May Spontaneously Disappear
         from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe,
         Including Your Neighbor's Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible
         for Any Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.
     READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to Certain Suggested
        Versions of the Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles Constituting this
        Product May Decay to Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred Million Years.
     THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the Unlikely Event That This
         Merchandise Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic
         Explosion Will Result.
     PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any Use of This Product, in Any
         Manner Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in the Universe.
        Although No Liability Is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is Warned That This Process
        Will Ultimately Lead to the Heat Death of the Universe.
     NOTE: The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held Together by a
        "Gluing" Force About Which Little is Currently Known and Whose Adhesive
         Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed.
     ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon, the
         Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists Of
         99.9999999999% Empty Space.
     NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The Manufacturer May
         Technically Be Entitled to Claim That This Product Is Ten- Dimensional.
         However, the Consumer Is Reminded That This Confers No Legal Rights Above
         and Beyond Those Applicable to Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven
         New Dimensions Are "Rolled Up" into Such  a Small "Area" That They
         Cannot Be Detected.
     PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the Consumer
          Is Not Directly Observing This  Product, It May Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only
          in a Vague and Undetermined State.
     COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons,
          Protons, etc.) Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in Every
          Measurable Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other Manufacturers, and
          No Claim to the Contrary May Legitimately Be Expressed or Implied.
     HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since Its
          Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to the User.
     IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The Entire Physical Universe,
         Including This Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an Infinitesimally Small
         Space. Should Another Universe Subsequently Re-emerge, the Existence of This
         Product in That Universe Cannot Be Guaranteed.

 

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